rugby world cup cock tonsil xv

and then we went home

Urbandictionary.com defines a tonsil as: a useless piece of skin, an insult. For years I’ve enjoyed using the insult with it’s subtle undertones of both uselessness and irritation. You never know about your tonsils until they’re causing you trouble. Then, quite recently, I heard the phrase Cock Tonsil and thought it a Darwinesque evolution of the idea. Now you could be both a useless piece of skin and a cock at once. Beautiful.

Rugby World Cup 2011 got underway in sensational fashion this past weekend. New Zealand is a rugby mad nation and to see the World of Rugby Union gathering for the ultimate competition is a thing of beauty. Traditional ‘minnow’ sides surprised the book makers and the experts with some passionate displays and even Argentina and Wales took last year’s finalists closer than many had expected. Rugby World Cup largely throws the form book out the window as the pressure cauldron atmosphere provides the strictest of tests for the nerves of players.

While it’s also great to see the great players, and great characters of the game, in action it’s also highly disturbing to see some of the world’s biggest tonsils gathered in one country. These players make a big effort to be the most unsavoury of all the players in the world and often don’t get the recognition they deserve. Until now. Here’s the Rugby World Cup Cock Tonsil XV. It’ll be updated during the tournament in an effort to gather the worst of the worst in one team.

1. Andrew Sheridan

There isn’t as much hype around Sheridan as there was four years ago as he’s battled injury and loss of form. Seeing him again at a World Cup though just brought it all back how distasteful he is. Funny haircut and all.

2. Steve Thompson

Thompson was a pre-tournament favourite for the number 2 jersey in the Cock Tonsil XV. With a surprising number of the other hookers falling into the ‘bland’ category (a position traditionally blessed with CTs) it falls on the experienced round shoulders of Thompson to keep up appearances. His kiss on Mario Ladesma is solid gold and will make him difficult to dislodge.

3. Jannie du Plessis

It breaks my heart to have to pick a South African in the CTXV and, equally, to have to put a tighthead in the team. Tightheads deserve more credit than that. However much I try to like Jannie 2+3 it’s simply impossible and he’s got to slot into this side.

4. Courtney Lawes

A hugely surprising selection here is the young Courtney Lawes and one that he can be most proud of – considering the calibre of the competition. I’d noted a few dicey 50-50 tackles during the Bok game last year, but he confirmed himself as a snide piece of work with some late and off the ball stuff against the Argies. He’ll be one of the first non-Springboks to ever meet a citing commissioner as the IRB try to cope with the loss of Bakkies Botha. What kind of a name is Courtney anyway?

5. Ali Williams (c)

When we finally sit back and make an all-time Cock Tonsil XV the name of Ali Williams will be one of the first on the teamsheet. This is a World Cup CTXV though and Williams played himself into the captains armband right from the Haka where he positioned himself in front of the camera and made a complete arse of himself – as always.

6. James Haskell

Haskell’s selection is more about what he brings to the team away from the field than on it. Posing nude for Stade Francais calendars, promoting himself on Twitter the public schoolboy with a penchant for the spit roast adds variety to this motley crew.

7. Jamie Heaslip

Cock tonsil extraordinaire Heaslip slots in on the side of the scrum with little competition. The blustery Irishman was never short of a word about the Springboks being a dirty team despite being a complete thug in his own right. I dosed off during the anthems of this game and never saw the need to wake up, but I know deep down the Cock Tonsil in him was sure to bubble over.

8. Andy Powell

@GerryPosthumus put it best on Twitter when he said “Andy Powell gets nod for the CockTonsil XV thanks to a great performance on the bench, jumpin up & down like a twat all day!” FORE!

9. Mike Phillips

If you look in Roger’s Profanisaurus under Cock Tonsil you will see written there – see: Mike Phillips. Beautiful eyes.

10. Ronan O’Gara

How kind of Ronan O’Gara to extend his career and Ireland to keep picking the rosy-cheeked gobshite to enable us a dependable flyhalf. Pressure from the rear coming from Toby Flood and Quade Cooper.

11. Adam Ashley-Cooper

If Sir Clive Woodward (honourary director of Rugby for the Cock Tonsil Rugby XV) decides to play the 10-man rugby that made him famous there will be few that can dispute my selections. The first 10 names are solid gold. At number eleven I make my first dicey pick by selecting AA-C on the left wing. He’s not an out and out CT by anymeans, but there’s something about him that’s just not right. He could easily be displaced in the long run.

12. Ma’a Nonu

Tip tackling, eye-liner wearing, long haired freak of nature. Never liked him, never will.

13. Brian O’Driscoll (vice captain)

Irish whinger BO’D returns to the land of the long white string of tears winding up for what surely must be one of the last bitches of his career. It’s exciting to think of what he has in store.

14. Chris Ashton

Forget his stupid dives – it doesn’t look like he’ll even catch a ball this season never mind get over the tryline. Let’s talk about this knob jockey’s rosy cheeks, punch me face and incessant shouting at his team-mates. You’re a wing mate – stand out there and let the men do the real work.

15. Cedric Heymans

Another potentially controversial selection. Due to his being French we’re unsure as to whether or not Heymans is, in fact, a Cock Tonsil. I suspect he is and that’s good enough for now.

Bench

16. Dylan Hartley

New Zealand born bag-‘o-filth. Needs more game time if he’s to displace humpty dumpty in the team.

17. Brad Thorn

Either old age is mellowing out Thorn or his experience has made him better at hiding his dirty play. A subdued performance indeed.

18. Dan Vickerman

It took a Herculean performance from Lawes to displace Vickerman in the side, but we’re confident that the ‘Australian’ will be able to get himself back into the mix.

19. Pierre Spies

I wouldn’t even pick Spies in a Cock Tonsil XV so he sits on the bench. Another underwhelming performance from the re-tread winger.

20. Piri Weepu

Interprative dance cheerleader.

21. Quade Cooper

More of a bogan that a complete CT, but still needs to be included.

22. Toby Flood

It’s a bit unfair to rip off an oke who got off to such an unfortunate start in life to be named after an old favourite pet, but he’s English and, as such, is not immune from some abuse. Needs more game time.

*At the end of the RWC2011 this team will take on the Cock Tonsil Legends XV.  Coaches, refs and venue TBC.

Follow @GarethRosslee